Contents:

1 Introduction

1.1 The Purpose of the Pastoral Letter and Its Foundation ... 4

1.2 The Teaching of the New Testament ................................. 5

2 The Christian Image of Man

2.1 Made in God’s Image............................................................ 6

2.2 The Freedom of Man ............................................................ 8

2.3 A New Beginning in Christ ................................................. 9

3 Marriage as Sacrament

3.1 They Shall Become One Flesh ..........................................11

3.2 Requirements ......................................................................12

3.3 Gift of God and Charge .....................................................14

4 Marriage and the family

4.1 The Origin of the Family ...................................................15

4.2 The Acceptance of Children .............................................17

4.3 The Charge of the Parents .................................................18

4.4 The Danger of Mutual Alienation - Divorce ................. 20

5 The Christian Family in Today’s Society

5.1 The Mission of the Family ............................................... 22

5.2 A High Goal ....................................................................... 24

5.3 Ways to Realize the Goal ................................................. 24

6 Assistance of the Church: Family and Parish ................27

7 Conclusion ............................................................................. 30

1. Introduction

As in the previous years we, the Catholic bishops of the Nordic

Countries of Europe, would once again like to present a pastoral

letter about the basic values of human life, this time about marriage

and family.

Even though our countries are considered to be secularized we

detect a growing religious interest and often a lively debate about

the basic values of our present and future society. The interest

in spiritual values does not always appear in sharp contrast to an

environment largely permeated with materialism. As uniform as

our mostly globalized society may seem, all the more individual

is the access of many people to the big questions of life. No one

authority – including the Church – seems to have the interest and

the power of persuasion regarding large groups of people. However

the spiritual thirst and the interest in ethical questions – no matter

how unstructured and contradictory they are with many people

– presents a great new opportunity to offer the Gospel to them.

The present situation of marriage and family also has to be

judged in this light. The traditional family pattern, with all that it

contains, is no longer the foundation of modern human lifestyle.

On one side people live together within a spectrum of marriagelike

cohabitation or shape their lives critically as singles, and on

the other side they suffer under the defeats and disappointments

that broken marriages and families have brought them. Although

he tries to hold on to the possibility of choice and variety, modern

man finally also seeks love, loyalty and security.

On this basis the Church would like to proclaim the Christian

message of marriage and family, in order to give people hope and

consolation and lead them to their true dignity.

As Christians we believe that these basic values were given by God

Himself. It is our task to discover them according to their contents,

range and realization. These values have been revealed to us, step

by step. First in the Holy Scriptures of the people of Israel and

then finally and in full clarity in Jesus Christ, the prophesized

Messiah, in whom we believe, as the Son of God, who became

Man. He teaches us the true values, since He is the Truth (cf. Jh 14,

6). He has realized them in his life. His disciples documented and

explained his words and deeds and gave those a concrete form.

They often, like Jesus, took up events, stories, commandments

and prophesies from the Old Testament, commented on them and

gave them a new meaning. In this way the revelation of God was

advanced and finished. The New Testament hands down the most

important and decisive contents and is therefore the main source

of our thought about values.

1.2 The Teaching of the New Testament

The New Testament gives a clear picture of the relationship

between man and woman, as well as between parents and children.

It is obvious that God has meant this as a basis and a framework

for a joint human life. He even dignified it, in that He let his Son

become a man within a family.

In his discussion with the Pharisees Jesus put forward the basic

characteristics of marriage: it is a union between one man and

one woman. The two shall become one flesh. What God has joined

together has become so closely united that no human can separate

them (cf. Mt 19, 4–6).

The Apostle Paul took up this opinion of marriage and developed it

further. He talks of love as the power that unites man and woman,

a selfless giving such as the one that Christ shows regarding his

Church (cf. Eph 5, 21–33). Paul shows a picture of a family that is

based on marriage. The family should also be characterized by the

love of the parents to their children and of the children to their

parents (cf. Eph 6, 1–4; Col 3, 18–21).

This teaching about marriage and family shows how God conceives

the “new man” according to the image of Christ, and how man,

thanks to redemption from sin, can renew himself. Especially in

marriage and the family, the new man should have the possibility

and strength to realize God’s plan for his life.

The Holy Family is a model for every Christian family. The love and

loyalty of Joseph and Mary to each other, their selfless devotion

to the child that God had entrusted to them, and the deep bond

between Jesus, Mary and Joseph, is a model for every marriage

and every family, that want to realize God’s plan.

2. The Christian Image of Man

2.1 Made in God’s Image

In the aforementioned discussion with the Pharisees Jesus said:

“Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator made

them male and female?” (Mt 19, 4). There he uses the sentence

from the story of the creation: “God created man in his image;

in the divine image he created him; male and female he created

them“ (Gen 1, 27).

This means that man not only is connected more closely to God

than other creatures, but he is even similar to him. This also means

that man always stays in a relationship with his Creator and with

other human beings. In the search for the other he must step out of

himself. Therefore God created them “male and female”. Especially

in the relationship of male and female, this interdependence of

man is seen most clearly.

Man and woman seek each other mentally as well as physically, in

order to be united. God blesses this oneness and makes it fruitful

in the begetting of children (cf. Gen 1, 28).

God therefore had himself as the starting point when he created

man. He stood, as it were, as a model for man. Therefore we see

God when we see man, since man cannot be understood without

referring to God. And without referring to God man can not

develop himself in a meaningful way.

We believe in the triune God: the Father, the Son and the Holy

Spirit. Even though this mystery is inconceivable to us, and to

many even seems unimportant in their daily lives, it is fundamental

for our understanding of God and of ourselves as human beings.

Man can not survive without relationships. Just as God in himself

always has relationships as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so man

shall in a similar way enter into relationships with other humans

and make a community. The relationships in God are always

relationships of love. The Father loves the Son, and the Son loves

the Father. This love is expressed through the Holy Spirit. Men

should also love each other. Precisely the love in the spirit of God,

is the foundation and support of human contact between people.

There we are not talking about love that only speaks to one’s own

emotions and gives them a short-lived satisfaction, rather: it is

about a long-lasting love to others, about respect, high estimation

and valuation, that only wishes the other good and is pleased that

he exists. In this way this love gives joy and perfection. It gives

the other his freedom, embraces without smothering, seeks union

without force. However it hopes for love in return, but leaves it

to the other to return it or reject it. This love ties us to God and

makes it possible for us to build a real and unrestricted union with

others. It first seeks to repay God love, since He loved us first, and

then also other human beings. It lets us step out of ourselves and

creates real relationships.

The love-relationship between man and woman leads to the most

intimate union in marriage. They both become “one body”. That

was the will of God (cf. Gen 2, 24). For this purpose he created

man a sexual being. Sexuality is a holy gift, since God himself, the

fountain of all holiness, planted it in man. It is a source of blessing

for people, for the lovers, as well as for the fruit of their sexual

union – the new human being. In this way God lets his command

“Be fruitful!”, come true. Sexuality is therefore not a capacity of

which man can dispose of, at will. It must be a part and expression

of his love-relationship. This only happens in the correct way in

an indissoluble marriage, in which the love-relationship is durable

in every respect, and embraces body and soul in mutual harmony.

Only in this way, can it bring wholesome fruit: the deepening of

the mutual love of man and woman and the responsible begetting

of children and their genuine welfare.

2.2 The Freedom of Man

God made man because of love. Man can accept this love or ignore

it. He can even reject it. So man has the possibility either to live in

union with God, without him or even against him. Already in the

garden of Eden man chose the second possibility. This is the first

sin, that from this moment clings to all men as the “original sin”.

It has in such a way destroyed man’s direction towards true love,

that he is often far away from the happiness that this love should

bring him. All humans are affected by this. Also man repeats his

faulty relationship with God, time and time again. God offers his

love at every time. Man however does not recognize this, passes it

by and sometimes puts himself directly against it. He is seduced to

this, like his original parents, by Satan, the opponent of God.

The negative position of man, opposed to God, and the disturbance

of the right relationship with Him influence how he sees himself,

other human beings and the world in which he lives. Man withdraws

into himself, closes himself off and does not enter into a truly

selfless love-relationship.

Man tends to look at his fellow man and also himself only from the

outside. This becomes especially clear in the way in which he deals

with sexuality. Often it is not viewed in the context of its whole

biological and spiritual content and as a possibility for realizing

true love, but rather dominated by desire. As a consequence the

sexual union does not lead any more to a really harmonious union.

Sexuality is made independent: it serves its own satisfaction. Often

man forgets or rejects that sexuality is made to confirm the union

of man and woman, the fruit of which is to generate children, and

tries to prevent the generation of children.

If individualism or even egotism is the basis of man’s life-style,

rather than true love, then often he will not perform his daily

duties positively and with confidence. This is seen in connection

with his family as well as with his life in society.

The original sin and its consequences also lay a heavy burden on

man and make his life very difficult when it comes to his vocation

to love. This severely damages marriage and the family, but also

society as a whole. But deep in the heart of man, there often

remains, unconsciously alive, the longing that God gave for the

restoration of the original unity with him and with others. God

refers to this longing, first in the warnings and appeals of the

prophets and finally in the Incarnation of his Son.

2.3 A New Beginning in Christ

In the Son of God, Jesus Christ, the new man appeared. Jesus

was born into a family and it was precisely in this family that his

human love developed to its fullest degree.

The love of Jesus was always a “double” one: love of God, his

Father, and love of men. Jesus was obedient to his parents (cf. Lk

2, 51), although he showed that he first had to be obedient to his

heavenly Father and that he “must be in [his] Father’s house” (Lk

2, 49). He “advanced in wisdom and age and favour before God

and man” (Lk 2, 52).

Already the youth of Jesus shows that the love that characterizes

him as well as Mary and Joseph, calls for sacrifices, in the first

place towards God. A life of love not only demands the acceptance

of suffering and an unrestricted devotion to the loved one, but

also trust and confidence in God.

From the beginning of his public life, Jesus as the Christ, the

Redeemer of humankind, preached and lived this selfless love. He

only sought the salvation of all men, which was the will of God.

His words and deeds were permeated with this.

Jesus collected the disciples who believed in him around himself

in a new community of brothers and sisters (cf. Mt 12, 46–50).

It should be characterized by trust in the heavenly Father, by

devotion to him and by mutual love. Especially the disciples who

were closest to him, he encouraged to live a life of love. The day

before he suffered he convincingly showed them this love. In the

washing of the feet he gave them an example so that they would

follow him in his readiness for humble service and selfless love (cf.

Jh 13, 15).

“Jesus knew that his hour had come to pass from this world to

the Father. He loved his own in the world and he loved them to

the end” (Jh 13, 1). This love urged him on and gave Him the

power to atone for every man, a necessary atonement, in order

to reconstruct the original love relationship, between God and

man. Therefore he offered himself to the Father in his suffering

and death on the cross. “Because of this, God greatly exalted him”

(Phil 2, 9). Jesus erased the original sin and opened again the

possibility for mankind to return to God, and he gave them the

strength to live again fully in love.

The risen Lord gave his disciples the Holy Spirit, the love-bond

between Father and Son in the Trinity as a help and a force. The

Spirit leads the believers to the full truth, in that he glorifies Jesus,

confirms his words and announces the coming salvation (cf. Jh 15,

7–14).

Jesus opened the door to a new world, a world in which neither

power, property nor pleasure reign, but a world that God had

planned from the beginning, a world in which men recognize God

as Lord and Father and are devoted to him as well as to each

other. In marriage, man and woman testify in each other to an

inseparable union of love and loyalty. From this they obtain the

power to build a true family, with their children, and devoted to

them. God himself blesses and confirms this in the sacrament of

matrimony.

3. Marriage as Sacrament

3.1 They Shall Become One Flesh

The salvation from original sin, through Jesus Christ, and the

restoration of the sonship of God are realized and celebrated in

the sacraments. The sacraments are holy bonds between God and

people. In them, Jesus Christ is working through the Holy Spirit.

He brings about the salvation, that God wants to give to every

human being. Therefore it also builds up communities.

Jesus entrusted the Church, which he built on the apostles, with the

sacraments. In the sacraments, that the Church gives, the power

of the Holy Spirit is active. Therefore the Church could be called

the “original sacrament”. In her and through her, the salvation that

the sacraments give, becomes fruitful for the individual as well as

for the society.

The first and basic sacrament is baptism. It cleans the recipient of

original sin and all personal sin, making him a child of God and a

member of the Church. It gives him access to all the other graces of

God, particularly by the Eucharist. The sacrament of confirmation

confirms baptism and gives the Holy Spirit in a special way as

strength to realize the sonship of God. Through that the recipient

becomes a witness of Jesus Christ and receives a calling to assist

in the building up and the expansion of the Church and to help

bring salvation to others.

On this basis, marriage according to God’s plan, can be shaped

and become a place of salvation. Originally it was meant to be a

framework for a life of love towards him and towards each other.

Jesus Christ reminded us of that (cf. Mt 19, 3–9). The apostle Paul

compared love in marriage with the love of Christ for his Church,

his body. Just as Christ gave himself for the Church, so should man

and woman give themselves to each other in marriage. They should

love each other “as their own bodies” (Eph 5, 28). This existence

for each other creates an indivisible bond, a union through which

both “become one flesh” (Eph 5, 31). Directly through this, the

saving power of Christ becomes possible. He elevated marriage

to a sacrament and he makes it an instrument of salvation for

married people as well as for the family and society.

3.2 Requirements

As with every sacrament, the sacrament of marriage is also an

offer of love from God. Therefore it must be received in freedom

and conscientiously. A valid marriage requires the freedom of the

married couple as well as their being conscious of the contents

and the aims of marriage.

Man and woman should exclusively belong to each other and be

unconditionally loyal to each other. They should live their marriage

in such a way that their love for each other steadily grows and

could lead to the generation of children.

This requires an objective and intensive preparation of marriage.

First of all, the lovers must get to know each other thoroughly, to

test the strength of their love and to grow in their mutual devotion.

But at the same time they should deepen their knowledge of the

teaching of the Church and take part in the Church’s life. Finally

they must always be more and more conscious that “in all the days

of our life, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” they

only belong to each other. In this light they should be lead by the

Church, her conviction, her truth and her power. This preparation

aims at a Church-celebration of the marriage, which should also

concern the parish. In this way the sacrament of marriage, which

couples give each other, with the blessing of the Church, can

become fruitful.

This applies not only to the marriage of two Catholics. Every

baptized person who lives a lifelong marriage, in a conscious and

a sincere way, partakes in God’s mercy. For a Catholic marriage,

where one partner is of different denomination, permission of the

bishop is needed. A marriage between two people of different

religions, i.e. when one of them has not been baptized, can only

be concluded in a valid way with an explicit dispensation of the

bishop.

According to the conviction of the Church a marriage is only

valid if both partners are “free”, i.e. not (any more) bound by a

former marriage. A civil “divorce” or one given by a non-Catholic

denomination does not dissolve such a bond. If it is not clear

whether a marriage really has been concluded validly, especially

in the case of non-Catholics, this has to be investigated by a

matrimonial court of the Catholic Church.

During the preparation time the lovers should not live together as

man and wife and consummate the marriage. People can not start

a marriage on trial, since marriage is a bond for life. Besides life

in a family community can not be realized or give the necessary

security without the stability and indissolubility of a marriage.

The sexual union may therefore not be sought as something purely

biological, something that primarily gives pleasure, but it must

always be an expression and confirmation of mutual love. Further,

it can not be taken out of context with its purpose, the possible

generation of children. Therefore artificial contraception against

fertility is contradictory to the dignity of the married people and

their loving union.

This way of looking at marriage explains also why same-sex

partnerships and homosexual relationships are not reconcilable

with the sexual life of man as God intended it.

Marriage is therefore a bond between man and woman, based on

the total devotion to each other. God Himself enters this bond

in order to give it stability and to strengthen their mutual and

selfless love.

3.3 Gift of God and Charge

In its depth and right execution, marriage can only be considered

as a gift, the gift of God to man and a mutual gift of man and

woman. To open oneself to the love of Christ and to let it affect

oneself, so that the other knows that he is loved, is a gift that

includes a charge. After all, it is the love of God that wants to

have an effect in marriage. The sacrament gives the power for this

to happen. It lets the love remain active, i.e. continually, steady

in truth, open for offspring, steadily striving for renewal and

deepening, adjusting to changing conditions and advancing age

and especially concerned with the building up of the family.

Marriage needs “nourishment”, nourishment from God, that is

primarily given in the participation in Church life: in communal

praying and in the celebration of the sacraments, especially

Penance and the Eucharist. Furthermore, marriage time and time

again, needs signs of love in daily dealings with each other as well

as in the joint management of life’s duties, especially the bringing

up of children.

In this light, the life of married people also points to true love in

society and helps build it up according to God’s plan. It mediates

the salvation of man through Jesus Christ, since he makes the

divine love real in the life of people with each other. Rightly so,

a good and stable marriage awakens attention and wonder. It

contributes considerably towards the spreading and acceptance of

the Gospel of Christ.

4. Marriage and the family

4.1 The Origin of the Family

In the marriage ceremony, man and woman promise each other

loyalty “till death do us part”. This loyalty shall be maintained

“all the days of our life, in sickness and in health”. On the basis of

this, the married couple can declare that they are ready to become

father and mother and to raise their children in a Christian way,

since marriage is a bond for life and it therefore constitutes the

main basis for the harmonious growing up of children, who can

rely on their father and mother.

This is only possible if man and woman love each other with a

selfless and unrestricted love. The blessing of God, that is called

upon married people, guarantees exactly this. God unites those

married people so intimately that their love-bond becomes

inseparable.

When two lovers, after careful consideration and conscious of the

responsibility that they take on, publicly enter such a marriage,

the Church reckons, that they really mean it and that they are

determined to keep their promise.

But it often turns out that it is not easy to keep the mutual love

alive for the long term. Love in marriage sometimes requires

almost heroic self-sacrifice, not only by lengthy illness or in the

case of unfaithfulness, alcoholism or the neglect of the duty of

care within the family, but probably all the more in everyday trials.

The lovers then find that they gradually drift apart. To avoid this,

they must give and forgive time and time again. They must reach

out of themselves and try to be completely open for the other, as

always with the exclusion of any third party.

The one who becomes guilty of unfaithfulness, neglect of care

of the family or lack of attention for the other, should change

his behaviour. The partner should lovingly point out the faulty

behaviour and encourage a change. The most important thing is,

to show the guilty party that love is still alive and that forgiveness

is possible.

Love is a process of growing towards each other. This lasts one’s

whole life. Only the one who is always ready to give the other

priority, can expect recognition, attention and reception. But also

if this is withheld, one must not stop one’s selfless love. To love

really means: to show love even when no love is, or seems to be,

given in return.

True love is difficult. To be there for somebody who only wants to

be loved and does not return love, or does so only half-heartedly,

requires readiness for sacrifice. This is also the case in regard to

the love of parents for their children. But how should children live

true love if their parents do not show it in their lives? It is exactly

in patient devotion to each other, that married people experience

that such a devotion will pay off. For if both of them, according

to their matrimonial promise are ready to do that, then their

happiness in loving will grow. The loss of oneself is worthwhile,

since one wins the other and that is exactly what was wished for

in the beginning.

4.2 The Acceptance of Children

Marriage must be open for children. This is so significant that an

exclusion of children by one or both of the married couple, makes

the contract of marriage invalid, because God himself when he

created man and woman said: “Be fertile and multiply; fill the

earth and subdue it” (Gen 1, 28). All cultures look at children as a

blessing. Anyone who does not acknowledge this, has misunderstood

love and tried to enjoy life for himself or eventually together with

somebody else. Such an attitude is contrary to married love, since

the begetting of children was intended to confirm and deepen it.

It is its fruit.

The woman alone does not have the children, but the child needs

a mother and a father, who want to found a family together and

build it up. Only parents who really love each other and live this

love, can raise a child in true love. Therefore children should only

be begotten within a stable marriage, that is built on love. The

child needs to experience this love, so that it will come to know

love and practise it.

God gave man and woman sexuality in order to beget children,

although it is possible that they will not succeed in this. Married

people who gladly want to have children are allowed to seek the

help of medical science. Artificial insemination in every form

however may not be seen as an expression of mutual love and also

does not correspond to the dignity of the child. The child always

remains a gift of God. He is the creator, who makes use of the

sexual disposition of man and woman in order to awake new life.

God gives new life and it belongs to him. Therefore it is untouchable

from the conception onwards. The parents should always be

conscious of that. They should accept the child in love, also if

perhaps it does not fulfil their expectations or even is disabled.

God himself entrusted them with the child, so that they would

nourish it, protect and above all, love it. They may expect God’s

help in this endeavour.

As is well known, many married people can, despite their

wishes, not have children in the normal way. Children are always

fundamentally a gift of God. God has however found a task for

childless married people. They for example may adopt children,

receive and raise abandoned or rejected children or orphans and

build a family with them, so that they also will experience parental

love – for each other and for the children. Childless married people

also may have a special task within the Church and in society and

in this way become fertile.

This requires that the lovers and married people want to live

according to God’s plan. For that they need a sincere faith in

the goodness of God and a deep trust in his leadership. Prayer

for God’s light, power and strengthening through the sacraments,

provides help for this.

4.3 The Charge of the Parents

Marriage is based on fruitfulness and therefore on the family. In

the family, as a true community, the parents have a vital role. The

caring support is the love that the child should feel already in its

mother’s womb. It should experience that its parents are happy

with its arrival and look forward to its birth and welcome it in their

midst and in the midst of its brothers and sisters.

The conditions in which the child grows up in its first years, later

characterize its opinions about fundamental questions of life. The

child must experience openness, trust, optimism and especially

true love. At the same time it should in its early years learn not

to intrude into the lives of others, to try and adjust its wishes to

what is possible and learn to put up with restrictions. If it makes

mistakes or behaves wrongly, it must not only accept reprimands

and show remorse, but it must also experience forgiveness. It must

especially be stimulated to show sympathy and readiness to help

the sick, the disabled and old people.

Since, in our countries, both parents know not belong to the

same ecclesial denomination or one of them is not baptized, the

parents should from the beginning know that the Catholic Church

expects them to give their children Catholic baptism and Catholic

upbringing. The Catholic parent is first and foremost responsible

for that. It is however desirable that the non-Catholic parent

supports this if possible. It is important that the children be given

a clear and unequivocal view of the faith and Christian life, so

that they can make its contents and requirements the guide of

their behaviour. As soon as they can understand, they should be

informed about the different faith and Church-membership of

their parents and learn to respect this. But at the same time they

should be called upon to stand by their own faith and to be loyal

to their Church. For this to succeed, the example of their Catholic

parent is decisive.

The life of the child, that has become God’s child through baptism,

is under the blessing of its heavenly Father. It must be reminded

of that regularly. Therefore an introduction to the stories of the

Bible should be part of its upbringing. It should especially build

up a loving relationship with Jesus, and in Mary the child should

see its heavenly Mother. Prayer should be part of the daily life of

the family. Also the parents should bring their children with them

to church and explain to them that God lives there and that he is

always waiting there for them. Gradually the children will learn

what is going on in the liturgy and how to behave accordingly. The

catechesis of the parish may assist this basic religious upbringing by

the parents. It prepares the children especially for the reception of

the sacraments and introduces them as conscious living Christians

to life of the community.

The religious life of the parents is very important. Their example

will unmistakably have its impact on the children, also if they,

during their adolescence, should choose to go different ways,

which their parents would not find desirable. Loving warnings and

the parents’ own behaviour will bear fruit with time. It is decisive

that they speak their own conviction and always keep the door

open for discussions about it.

It is of great importance for the children, which kind of carers

and teachers, the parents trust them to and which circles they

associate with. Basically, the parents decide the contents of the

upbringing of their children and they should expect that this will

be respected. The children need a uniform environment where

they can grow up harmoniously with respect to truth and values.

They will slowly come to understand that outside of their families,

other values about good and evil often prevail. They have to learn

to judge them correctly and to regulate their behaviour with others

accordingly.

4.4 The Danger of Mutual Alienation – Divorce

Love must grow if it is to survive over time. Often marriages

which are contracted in love, fail because of a lack of durable love.

Since lovers don’t want to give up their supposed independence

and self-realization, they often lack the power and the patience

to hold out in true love. Maybe they had false expectations about

the love that would fittingly be returned to them. Or they would

like to keep a part of their lives for themselves and through that

they remain partly distant to the other. Instead of moving closer

to each other, they move away from each other and live separate

lives instead of becoming one. This may lead to the coming of a

third person, who can give more understanding and recognition

for one’s self. Sometimes violence and alcoholism, wrong priorities

in work and career, unusually big financial difficulties or a severe

illness, are a big challenge to marriage and family-life. In such

difficult circumstances, a civil divorce is often seen as the only

solution to the problems and to save one’s self.

In spite of all this, people really don’t want divorce, least of all those

who seriously gave each other a lifelong promise of faithfulness.

Therefore a hasty declaration of guilt should not be given, since

only the participants and God are justified to do this.

Also if divorce seems unavoidable, everything must be done to save

the marriage, not least because of the children. In these situations

understanding pastoral guides, good friends and relatives, and

other married couples, may help by words and deeds. Suitable

advice and therapy should also be considered.

If the break can no longer be mended, or if the divorce exists for

some considerable time already, or if a new relationship has been

entered, the spouses should not give up or even turn their back

upon the Church. As a Church, we must always be open for these

people. Then it must be investigated, whether the marriage bond

from the beginning fulfilled the requirements of the Church for a

legal marriage. It is the task of the marriage courts of the Church

to investigate this and their work must be considered an important

pastoral activity.

It is possible, that because of the incompatible behaviour of

one or both partners a separation is unavoidable, not least in

favour of the children who suffer greatly because of the constant

quarrelling of the parents. In such a case, divorce is out of the

question, only the married couple no longer share the same living

quarters. The Church will allow this under special circumstances.

However ongoing efforts must be made to find ways to restore the

cohabitation in mutual peace.

If the divorce is followed by a new relationship, which in spite of

a legal investigation by the Church cannot be deemed a marriage,

the Church can not approve of it. Whoever makes such a step,

should however feel sure that God keeps his heart open to him. “If

we are unfaithful he remains faithful” (2Tm 2, 13). The abandoned

partner in the marriage must be strengthened in his fidelity.

Special attention and care must be shown to the children. They are

always the innocent victims of divorce. They need a family that is

based on a truly stable marriage of parents, that love each other.

If this collapses, then one can only hope and work towards the

goal that the love of the parents for their children is nevertheless

preserved.

The evil of divorce makes clear how much married people depend

on the help of God and the Church, if they are to live their love

truly and in faithfulness. Without the grace of God this will be

impossible. The Christian couple must therefore repeatedly make

the selfless love of Christ for his Church (cf. Eph 5, 25–32), their

model. Regular prayers together at home and the reception of

the sacraments of Penance and the Eucharist, are necessary, in

order to preserve and strengthen married love. These sources of

strength should also be used quite early for the children since

they are absolutely necessary for the solidarity and the correct

development of family life.

5. The Christian Family in Today’s Society

5.1 The Mission of the Family

The family not only refers to God and the Church, it is simultaneously

also the basis of society. Therefore the family must be open

to society and take part in its life. Parents and children should

neither isolate themselves from society nor lose themselves in it.

The family is the first community that the child gets to know and

where it may find its place.

In society many impressions are imprinted on the child. It

is influenced by television, the internet, by the school and by

interactions with other people. The effects of these impressions

are various. The parents have to assist the child to evaluate them,

to judge them in a right way and to deal with them. This applies

to adolescents as well as to little children. Even if the adolescents,

independently want to investigate the world and what it has

to offer, the opinions of their parents and their judgements are

important and have influence, especially if they are conveyed in

sincere and patient discussions.

It is especially important to assist the children in their search for

a future path in life. This should not, simply, be decided by the

wishes of the parents, but should take into account, the deepest

feelings and abilities of each child. Parents and children must

remember that God has a purpose and a plan for every human

being, which each individual, however, has to discover and strive

for, in freedom. Such a plan may not only include marriage,

but also life outside of marriage, for the building up of God’s

kingdom, for example as a priest, religious and member of other

communities of consecrated life or in various different ways in

service to others. Often one finds this plan in roundabout ways. It

is however important to stay open to such a plan and when it has

finally been recognized, to follow it through, in good conscience.

The parents should assist their children in this, with the help of

their experience of life.

In this task both parents and children need God’s help. Only through

intensive contact with him and with the strength he gives, they

will be able to find the right way.

5.2 A High Goal

The present considerations about marriage and family may seem

too idealistic to many people. It is indeed a description of an

idealistic goal. Especially the justification of the indissolubility of

marriage and the exclusive practise of sex within marriage, make

this obvious. Many will say: Such an opinion of marriage and family

life is unthinkable for us. Are we, the bishops, therefore allowed to

reject the Christian image of God and man and the requirements

for married people, that follow consequently from that? Are we

allowed to join the common trend or accommodate it through

a relativism of values? Are we allowed, since we live in varying

cultural circumstances, to keep quiet about Holy Scripture and the

Church? As bishops we would neglect our duties, if we would not,

even on this issue, proclaim the Catholic faith, in its entirety. We

are of the opinion, that it is necessary both for the individual as

well as for the society, especially today, to ask about what is really

true and of lasting value and to answer those questions.

5.3 Ways to Realize the Goal

No less challenging than the aims expressed above, will be their

compliance by married people and family members. They often

meet little understanding and are exposed to real difficulties.

This starts with young people who want to distance themselves

from the culture of sex and pleasure, of their age group. It takes a

lot of strength and courage to distance oneself from that. Young

people, as is well known, do not readily step out of line, if there

is a question of a universally accepted behaviour within their

age group, not least if they themselves find it attractive. Only a

convincing upbringing and an encouraging assistance of parents

and educators, as well as the possibility of finding others, who

think in the same way, can help them to assert themselves and to

value more a growth towards a true love-relationship than to start

having sexual relationships before marriage.

The adolescents should know that a fulfilling and delightful sexual

dedication, is based on an all-embracing love relationship of man

and woman in marriage, who show each other lasting fidelity and

are open for the begetting and raising of children. Love is much

more than only “sex”.

As long as the young people live with their parents, they are

protected in a way, although already affected by the incentive of

liberal dealings with others. As soon as they leave their parents’

house for studies, work or because of their own wish to live

independently, it becomes all the more difficult to protect them

from damaging relationships. Also, then, the parents must try and

keep close contact and dialogue with them.

If a serious relationship has grown between a young man and a

young lady, then both should from the beginning agree on the

boundaries of their mutual interaction. They should discuss this

openly and also receive the advise of others.

If they are convinced that they would like to build a stable family

together, the future husband and wife should discuss married life

seriously and set their goals, which they can later go back to. In this

they should, if at all possible, seek the advise of their parents and

other trustworthy adults. Especially during the preparation-time

for marriage, they should, both privately and together, pray for

God’s help and power and regularly participate in Mass in church,

also when they do not belong to the same denomination. Then

the parishioners may through their positive interest, strengthen

them in their intention to build their future life together, based

on God’s plan.

We know that today, in society, within the legal framework of

the State, and in certain ecclesial circles, marriage is no longer

considered a life long commitment. Also the importance of the

family and especially its significance for the children is no longer

sufficiently valued. They are often considered less important

than the interests of married people. The young married couple

must therefore nurture their love-relationship and be prepared

for having children. Individual or mutual wishes concerning

housing, comfort and leisure may not prevent the rearing of a

family. When children have finally arrived, their care must have

absolute priority, above all other things. Therefore the parents,

in time, should try to arrange their work in such a way, that this

does not adversely effect them in providing for and raising their

children. State and society have the duty to see to that this will

be possible. The parents themselves sometimes have the difficult

task of reconciling their wishes for careers and comfort, as well as

their personal leisure, with the wishes and needs of the children.

The raising of children should be a joint matter for father and

mother. The parents should further nurture their love-relationship

and form it in such a way that it may lead to the realization of the

plan that they made for their family.

Contact with relatives can be of great value. It is also desirable

to meet regularly with like-minded married couples and their

children to exchange experiences and to encourage each other.

Not least the family should be a “domestic-church”: Parents and

children should pray together and celebrate the Christian feasts at

home. The family should go to church in order to seek power and

strength. It is desirable to take an active part in parish life.

Life in a stable marriage and the formation and organisation of a

stable family, in which the members feel accepted, is not an easy

task in the present situation. However such marriages and families

are not outdated models for life, but they represent a challenge to

reflect on the meaning and aim of one’s own, often disappointed,

life-fulfilment.

Marriage and family, as we have described them, may stimulate

society to rethink its ideas. As we already mentioned in the

introduction, materialism, individualism and considerable liberalism

have spread. But these offer no lasting support in life. In contrast

to this, a marriage and a family that is based upon unselfish love,

towards each other, and has been stabilized by God, may offer true

durability and security. Such marriages and families are the real

foundation of society.

Christians, who live in a stable marriage and build up a solid

family, are therefore fulfilling an important task. They are a sign

of the realization of salvation through Jesus Christ and they are

also proclaiming his gospel.

6. Assistance of the Church: Family and Parish

From the beginning the Church was conscious of the high value,

but also the difficulties of marriage and family-life. Jesus Christ

made such high demands to married people that the disciples cried:

“It is better not to marry!” (Mt 19, 10). The Lord calmed them, but

he retracted none of his demands concerning the indissolubility

of marriage and the unconditional faithfulness of married people.

He also clarified that the children always have a claim to attention

and tenderness, and that they may never be pushed aside (cf. Lk

18, 15–17).

The apostle Paul emphasized that in marriage, man and woman

should love each other “as their own bodies” (cf. Eph 5, 28). Here,

he is talking of a deep love, like the love Jesus has shown his

Church (cf. Eph 5, 25). Furthermore the apostle stresses that the

children owe their parents, and parents their children, love and

care (cf. Eph 6, 1–4; Col 3, 20f).

Throughout history there have often been violent disputes about

adherence to ecclesial instructions. But the Church was always

steadfast in her defence. She knew it was her duty to be unyielding,

since the matter was about a demand of the Lord. The Church

has also defended the equal worth of man and woman within

marriage. She promotes a good upbringing of the children. For

this purpose she has established her own schools, that offered

good instruction for all. The Church has always sharply criticised

abortion and abandoning children.

The Church also defends marriage and supports a correct family

life. In its Constitution, “The Church in the Modern World”, the

Second Vatican Council unmistakably expressed its opinions

about this matter. Later the Popes have published encyclical and

apostolic letters. We mention especially the still relevant apostolic

exhortation of Pope John Paul II, “Familiaris Consortio”, about

marriage and the family, from the year 1981. On the basis of such

publications, also we, the bishops and priests, in our proclamations

and catechesis, portray the truth about marriage and the worth of

matrimony and the family, so that everyone can learn about them

and come to value them.

Special attention should be given to young people who are preparing

for marriage. We therefore suggest that courses should be offered,

in which marriage as such would be discussed, as well as the correct

conduct in regard to sexuality, the building up of a family and the

upbringing of children. We also recommend establishing parent

groups, where experiences could be exchanged and where people

could give each other encouragement in deepening their marriages

and making them more fruitful. Such courses could eventually be

lead by elderly married couples with the participation of a priest.

The parishes should try to find good ways of caring for children

and to build up an attractive pastoral service for the youth. Those

should not be an alternative for the parental home. Rather the

parents should be helped to make it possible for children in a

wider circle and with good leadership, to acquire the necessary

development and openness for others.

The Catholic schools are and will be important. They must teach

at a high level and offer relevant guidance for their development.

Within this framework a correctly based sex education can and

should be offered.

As a Church we must not forget single parents who are raising

their children alone, regardless of whether they are unmarried or

divorced. Possibilities and ways to deal with their situation and

their difficulties, should be sought together with them. At any rate

they should experience that the Church is also for them. The same

applies to widows and widowers. Special attention should also be

given to children from broken marriages. They need a suitable and

encouraging guidance.

All of this requires the prayers of those affected, as well as other

parish-members and especially the religious, so that as many as

possible will, through the help and strength of God, lead a good

marriage, be steady in their marriage and build up a solid family,

in favour of their children. Adolescents, married people and those

that have been disappointed by their marriage or family, should

find stability both in their prayers and participation in the life of

the Church, and always feel loved by God.

We, the bishops, would like to put great emphasis on married life

and family life in the pastoral work. We suggest to the deacons

and priests, to form the sermons and liturgy in such a way that

especially married people and adolescents find it attractive and

receive strength and help from it. All others, who work in the

pastoral service for the youth as well as for the preparation for

marriage, should emphasize the high value and deep contents of

Christian marriage and family. At the same time we call upon the

public to give marriage and family life the necessary help and to

value and regard the family as the pillar of society.

7. Conclusion

We would like to end this pastoral letter with a citation from the

apostolic exhortation “Familiaris Consortio”, about marriage and

the family, by Pope John Paul II. At the end of it the Pope refers

to the holy family of Nazareth as a model and source of strength

for all Christian families. He says:

“Through God’s mysterious design, it was in that family that the

Son of God spent long years of a hidden life. It is therefore the

prototype and example for all Christian families. It was unique in

the world. Its life was passed in anonymity and silence in a little

town in Palestine. It underwent trials of poverty, persecution and

exile. It glorified God in an incomparably exalted and pure way.

And it will not fail to help Christian families – indeed, all the

families in the world – to be faithful to their day-to-day duties, to

bear the cares and tribulations of life, to be open and generous to

the needs of others, and to fulfil with joy the plan of God in their

regard.

St. Joseph was “a just man,” a tireless worker, the upright guardian

of those entrusted to his care. May he always guard, protect and

enlighten families.

May the Virgin Mary, who is the Mother of the Church, also be

the Mother of the “domestic-church”. Thanks to her motherly aid,

may each Christian family really become a “little Church” in which

the mystery of the Church of Christ is mirrored and given new life.

May she, the Handmaid of the Lord, be an example of humble and

generous acceptance of the will of God. May she, the Mother of

Sorrows at the foot of the Cross, comfort the sufferings and dry

the tears of those in distress because of the difficulties of their

families.

May Christ the Lord, the Universal King, the King of Families, be

present in every Christian home as He was at Cana, bestowing

light, joy, serenity and strength. On the solemn day dedicated to

His Kingship I beg of Him that every family may generously make

its own contribution to the coming of His Kingdom in the world

– “a kingdom of truth and life, a kingdom of holiness and grace,

a kingdom of justice, love, and peace,” towards which history is

journeying.” (No 86).

We, bishops, would like to make this wish of the Pope our own and

convey it to you with all our hearts.

Anders Arborelius,

Bishop of Stockholm

Gerhard Schwenzer,

Bishop of Oslo

Czeslaw Kozon

Bishop of Copenhagen

Johannes B.M. Gijsen

Bishop of Reykjavík

Józef Wróbel

Bishop of Helsinki

Gerhard Goebel

Bishop-prelate of Tromsö

Georg Müller

Bishop-prelate of Trondheim

William Kenney

Auxiliary bishop of Stockholm

Hans Martensen

former bishop of Copenhagen

M. Bernt Eidsvig

bishop elect of Oslo

Reykjavík, 12 September 2005